Insecurity

I feel like insecurity in my life is like a virus. It comes and goes as it pleases with no way of stopping it, quelling it, making it less of a disease. I am one of those people that has used confidence as a defense mechanism and I am okay with that. God knows there are much worse things out there to use. But I feel that as I get older I am learning there are in fact retributions that come with it.

Like random bouts of insecurity that take over my brain, make me act all together different than I do on a daily basis. That's not to say that I am not in fact a confident person. I am, but at times I deflect comments, looks, judgments with a witty remark and a air of assurance. Yet out of the blue and quite regularly insecurity has been happening to the point of worriment. Asking my friends if they are mad, if I am being annoying, sorry to bother, am I a pest?

And then I will wake up the next morning and think to myself... why the hell did I apologize? I wasn't doing anything out of the ordinary. They wouldn't be my friends if they didn't like me for me, especially at this time in my life. It is no longer a popularity contest. You don't HAVE to be friends with the popular kids. You let people in who enrich your life and for who you want to be able to return the favor. I have done that. I surround myself with amazing people and yet the insects keep coming.

I don't need a prescription, because in this case a prescription won't help. Like any other virus I have to wait until it passes and wait until it comes again unannounced and overflowing with self-deprecation and pity.

I loathe you insecurity even if you are known to be part of the human condition.