A faux academic argument...

I recently read an article in Women's Health titled "Is The Alpha Male In Danger Of Extinction?” While I was reading it I found myself physically shaking my head in agreement. I felt like I was reading a transcript of past conversations I have had in my head (don't act like you've never done it). While my mind digested paragraph after paragraph, my mouth filled with an acrid metallic taste. I believe it was the physical translation of feeling bitter. I guess there literally is such a thing as a bitter aftertaste. Who knew?

I could tell the author had talked to professionals, possibly only the kind to reinforce his own point of view, on the topic of the male gender role in today's society. But, I also felt like he had a chip inside my brain and someone, somewhere was dictating what I've thought or heard in my post-pubescent cerebral cortex. It was like reading a dictation of female opinions that I have agreed with, supported, challenged and cried through. When I finished reading it I made a mental note. 'Tomorrow look up that Atlantic article that had upset my friends and I a few years back.' I was too exhausted to do this kind of mental exercise at 12:30 a.m., but here I am weeks later and I'm still thinking about it. So I looked it up.

"Marry Him!" ran in The Atlantic Monthly magazine in 2008 and a much savvier, sophisticated friend of mine posted it on her Facebook page. What followed her post can only be described as Internet assault. My inbox exploded with responses from her page, and my head exploded with a knee-to-the-groin reaction that would make Gloria Steinem proud. That day it was apparent, feminism is alive and well. After reading it again for the purpose of this blog, I realized my memory brought it back not only because of the similar subject matter, but I remember after reading the Atlantic article I had that same bitter aftertaste but for a different reason.

When taken into consideration the author of the articles, the publication and the audiences of both, there are obvious differences to consider. A 40-year-old single mother, making a case for ‘settling’ for a man, wrote one. The other written by a man, who I believe is in his 30's, wrote about the current state of male gender roles in today's society. With that I give you a little taste of both.

"Marry Him!" is full of statements that would make any single girl ponder her current relationship status or lack there of. For example:

"Despite growing up in an era when the centuries-old mantra to get married young was finally (and, it seemed, refreshingly) replaced by encouragement to postpone that milestone (marriage) in pursuit of high ideals (education! career! but also true love!), every woman I know - no matter how successful and ambitions, how financially and emotionally secure - feels panic, occasionally coupled with desperation, if she hits 30 and finds herself unmarried."

True. True. True. As my friends and I get closer to 30, there is this unspoken countdown to judgment day. Everyone is holding their breath, not everyday all day, but moments of anxiety bind us together.

"I used to listen each week to the litany of unrelenting complaints about people's husbands and feel pretty good about my decision to hold out for the right guy, only to realize that these women wouldn't trade places with me for a second, no matter how dull their marriages might be or how desperately they might long for a different husband. They, like me, would rather feel alone in a marriage than actually be alone..."

Because, there is nothing worse than being alone. Right?

"That authors often resort to flattery, telling the reader to remember how fabulous, attractive, charming, and intelligent she is, in hopes that she'll project a more confident vibe on dates. In my case though, the flattery backfired. I read these books thinking. Wait, if I'm such a great catch, why should I settle for anyone less than my equal? If I'm so fabulous, don't I deserve true romantic connection?"

I believe my mother, my sister, my girlfriends, hell even my guy friends have said this to me. Not to mention the voice in my head that the author describes. I'm awesome...and single.

This article basically reads as a mother figure reading a fable to the women of the generations that have come after her. With wisdom in her voice, and sadness in her eyes it's as if she has changed the message from the motherly "because I said so" to the cautious "don't say I didn't warn you".

"Is the Alpha Male in Danger of Extinction?" is full of information that also makes any single girl ponder about her relationship status or again, the lack there of.

"Right now, a woman's chances of finding a man who is as educated and financially secure as she is are small and, according to recent studies, dwindling. Women earn a greater share of high school diplomas as well as associate's, bachelor's, master's and doctoral degrees. Significantly fewer men enroll in college than women, and an even smaller percentage graduate."

C'mon Spice Girls, sing it with me....Just girl power is all we need

"Those statistics suggest that men are both lazy and quitters, bringing to mind recent pop-culture depictions of dudes enjoying a prolonged adolescence of beer and PlayStation 3 marathons -- think Knocked Up and numerous other Judd Apatow and Seth Rogan films -- and freeloading off Mom and Dad (even before this recession, twice as many men as women ages 24 - 34 were living with their parents)."

"Indeed, should the trend toward the female-centric society continue -- and all indicators point in that direction -- many more women, as an unintended consequence of their success, may need to recalibrate their expectations of their long-term partners."

So, if we change our expectations, then everything will be alright? Doubt it.

This article reads as a guy who is treading lightly on a subject that no woman or man for that matter wants to talk about. No guy wants to hear he is being emasculated without his consent. Not girl wants to hear that self-investment will lead to singledom. However, he presents these as facts, and supports them as such. Not a whole lot to argue with there.

I have read both of these articles, what is written above are snapshots of the material. I strongly suggest everyone read both, if for no other reason than we should all read more. The purpose of this post for me is only to get these thoughts out so they can stop bouncing around in my brain. I am not a proponent of settling, but after reading "Marry Him" there are certain things, despite my best efforts, that I agreed with. I currently have two bachelors, a vocational master's, a career and no male prospects. I am one of the women that "Is the Alpha Male in Danger of Extinction?" is talking about. So, I find myself between a rock and a hard place.

"The dream, like that of our mothers and their mothers from time immemorial, was to fall in love, get married, and live happily ever after."

That dream is alive and well in me. I am a hopeless romantic. Thanks a lot Disney.

"The two sexes going in opposite directions has led to an epidemic of professional women missing out on husbands and kids."

Like the Jefferson's, I am moving on up, and because I am, there is a greater chance of never getting a ring on it, however, not for the reason that either of these authors mention. I believe it's a melding of the two. It's what I deduced for myself after reading them both. If I want to get married and have a family I will probably have to settle, because God knows I am not going to start dumbing it down. I am however willing to recalibrate my expectations like suggested, and realize that being alone is worse than being with Mr. Not-So-Right (domestic violence not included). However, I can't settle for what seems to be out there right now. I can only speak from my own experience, but I feel like the word settling wouldn't even do it justice if I were to marry one of the early to mid 3o's men who might be living with their parents, or completely void of ambition, or lack any follow through, or assume that at 26 I am already desperate enough to let them speak to me, or treat me in a way that would make their mother's blush (hopefully). I am comfortable with being successful and if that means I am the breadwinner in a relationship, that's cool. Finding a guy who's cool with that is another story. Basically what I am trying to say is, that like Gigi (He's Just Not That Into You) I haven't given up hope. I know there are plenty of men out there that don't fit the description mentioned above, but with the gender role shift, and the biology of being a woman I am finding dating hard enough. Who knows if I will even get to the point where I can entertain the idea of settling.